Letting Go

"I don’t think I can do this Patrick" Holly said softly as she clung on to his arm for support.

"I’ll take you home if you like, I’m sure no one would mind if you weren’t here" He replied in an equally soft voice. He hadn’t thought it was a very good idea her coming anyway, she’d barely left the house since that terrible night when Tom had come back, and his own loathing of funerals was enough to make him wish that he wasn’t there either.

Holly looked across the graveyard to where the congregation was amassing. It was hard to distinguish each of her friends from the others, they appeared as one black clad entity, the solemn hum of voices drifting on the breeze.

One figure did stand out from the rest, though. Duffy stood alone, separated from the growing throng as if she was in a different world from them. Her long black coat was pulled tight around her, her hands clasped a single red rose and she was hugging her pregnant stomach, as though she was afraid that if she let go it might fall off. Every now and again one of her son’s would wander up to her and she would look down, force a smile and stroke their hair, before sending them back to her mother.

Knowing that she would have to talk to her eventually, Holly took a few steps forward, Patrick still by her side.

Memories of that night flooded back to her, her fear, and then her relief when she opened her eyes and saw Patrick. It had felt so good to be holding him again; she had felt truly safe for the first time in months. She remembered going back into the department to get checked over, everyone had been so quiet, distracted almost. She remembered feeling glad that they didn’t want her to relay all the details of her ordeal. She remembered when Patrick had finally told her what had happened to Tom.

The feeling that the news conjured up inside of her was indescribable; a mix of relief, sadness, anger, and even joy but through it all was the realisation that she had been the cause of a man’s death. She had let out a howl from somewhere deep inside her and her tears didn’t stop flowing for many hours. Patrick had stayed with her, watching her pain and distress and wishing that he could take it away from her. After seeing how much Tom’s death affected her he couldn’t bring himself to tell her about Andrew. Another man dead, this time an innocent man, with a family to leave behind. He’d tried to convince her that none of what had happened was her fault, the Tom was deranged, a psycho, a lunatic, and Holly had nodded slowly but he knew that she would never shake off the feeling of guilt no matter how unnecessary it was.

When she had heard about his funeral she knew that she had to go, she had to talk to Duffy, had to tell her how very sorry she was that Andrew had got mixed up in her mess. Patrick had tried to dissuade her but he could see in her eyes that it was something she had to do. So now he was by her side as he had been for the past week, her rock, her strength.

They reached the back of the crowd just as the service began. Patrick scanned the faces in the crowd; Chloe hung on to Barney, occasionally wiping another tear from her eyes. Anna, Jack, Mel, Dan and Fin stood quietly staring at the vicar, lost in their thoughts. Josh had Colette’s hand clasped tightly as he relived his own painful memories. Max and Amanda stood with their arms around each other, her watching him as he watched Duffy. Peter and Jake had a hand each of their grandmother’s. Charlie stood a few steps away from Duffy and Patrick recognised the same impotent expression that he himself had, knowing that they could do nothing to make the situation any better but wishing more than they had ever wished for anything that they could.

Holly didn’t see the other faces; she didn’t hear the constant drone of the vicar. She stood transfixed on Duffy, the woman whose life she had ruined. Duffy stared into the deep hole in front of her. Its emptiness would be filed within the next few minutes; her own would remain with her forever.

The service came to an end and the large wooden casket was lowered into its final resting-place. Duffy dropped her rose and the gapping grave swallowed it whole. She looked up for the first time as around her the congregation followed suit by dropping handfuls of soil, each delivering a small thud that deafened her.

For a split second her eyes locked on Holly, but Holly looked away. Patrick felt Holly tense up beside him and asked if she was all right.

"I really can’t do this, take me home" she said her eyes pleading with him and without hesitation he agreed and they started to move off.

Charlie moved toward Duffy, she heard him say something to her in his soft reassuring voice but she was too busy watching Holly and Patrick leave to hear what it was.

"Charlie, I’m sorry, excuse me" she said not taking her eyes off Holly. She moved off as fast as she could manage and reached Holly as Patrick was unlocking his car.

"Thank you for coming" Holly turned and saw Duffy standing behind her, she didn’t know what to say so just nodded awkwardly.

"The wake is going to be at my house, I hope you’ll both be able to come." Holly stood bewildered, why on earth would Duffy want her of all people there? Patrick cleared his throat.

"Thank you for the invitation but I think it’s time we went home," he opened the car door, "er...you have our condolences, Duffy" he added uncomfortably.

Duffy looked at Holly, who had gone a distressing shade of grey.

"Are you all right Holly?" she asked. That was enough for Holly’s tears to overflow, and they ran in warm streams down her face.

This is the day that you are burying your husband, who wouldn’t have died if it wasn’t for me, and you’re asking if I’m OK? She thought to herself, as more tears flooded down her saturated cheeks.

"I’m sorry Duffy I’m so sorry, this is all my fault, I’m sorry" she sobbed. Patrick started his way round the car to comfort her but Duffy got there first. Holly felt herself sink into Duffy’s embrace; still crying, still apologising.

"It isn’t your fault" Duffy said assertively, beginning to cry herself. Holly pulled away and looked up at her.

"But…"

"No, Holly. You mustn’t blame yourself. It was an accident; Andrew was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It isn’t your fault" Holly wished that she could believe her. She sounded so sure…

"You don’t blame me?" she whispered the words, her voice quivering, feeling like a little girl seeking approval.

Duffy stood silently for a second trying hard to compose herself, thinking about her response.

"Honestly?" Holly nodded fearing the worst. Duffy really did blame her for Andrew’s death, for her losing her husband, for her children losing their father, for her unborn baby never knowing it’s Dad.

"I’ve blamed just about everyone since it happened. Tom, you, Spencer and Patrick for not finding him sooner, Max and the other’s for not being able to save him, Charlie for being the unfortunate sod who had to tell me. I blame myself for sending him out of the hospital to begin with and I blame him for having the audacity to bloody well die on me and leave me alone. Over the last week I have been so angry with everyone, anyone, but it doesn’t help. It doesn’t make me feel better and it doesn’t bring him back. Holly, don’t blame yourself, none of what happened was your fault. Carry on with your life, Holly, don’t dwell on what happened." Even through her tears Duffy showed a strength that Holly marvelled at.

"I don’t know how to carry on…" she replied.

"Well, what do you want Holly?"

"I want to go. I want to get away from everything that’s happened. I want to leave Holby." She said it before her brain had had a chance to register, but as the words passed her lips she knew them to be true.

"Then I’ll miss you" Duffy tried hard to smile and Holly tried the same.

Duffy glanced across from Holly to where Patrick stood just behind her. He was clearly in shock after hearing Holly’s revelation. He had assumed that things would continue as they were, with him helping her rebuild her life in Holby. Duffy could see the pain in his face at the thought of losing her so soon after getting her back.

"The one thing," Duffy started, motheringly brushing Holly’s hair back behind her ears, "that I’ve got to cling on to is that at least Andrew and I had some fantastic times together, I loved him, and I knew that he loved me. You’d be amazed at the difference that makes, to say those words and to hear them being said back. I was lucky enough to find a man that I loved. If you’re ever that lucky, make sure you tell him and give him a chance to tell you" She looked pointedly over at Patrick, and gave Holly one last hug before walking off to where her mother was waiting with her kids.

Holly stood letting Duffy’s words sink in, and then she turned around to find Patrick staring at her.

"You want to go now?" he asked. She wasn’t sure if he was referring to the graveyard or Holby but either way the answer was yes. They both got into his car.

"Patrick," she said gazing deep into his big brown eyes, "when I go, I’ll miss you."

"I’ll miss you too, Hol." He replied and turned the key in the ignition.

"Patrick," she said again, her voice barely audible above the purring of the engine, "I love you."

"I love you too, Hol." He replied and slowly drove off.